41# Songs to See Stars To

Fear No Faerie Voices Unedited

I was recording songs for my new EP ‘Fear No Faeries Voices’ last week. Recording is such an interesting experience for me as a synaesthete. It’s a time when I pay special attention to how I feel, and particularly, how I visualise the music, not just listen to it. Having the condition can be so useful in the studio, because it enables me to spot little blips and discrepancies fairly easily, because they register as oddly coloured objects, breaks in patterns, or glaring smudges.

Sometimes it can be distracting though. When I’ve got headphones on and am listening to loud playbacks, it can feel as if I am completely encapsulated in the music as it swirls all over me. The louder the music, and the more vibrant the hallucinations (whether manifested as colour, pattern, texture, smell or taste).

It can also be lovely, though. All of the songs on this EP were inspired by folklore; some from classical mythology, others from snippets of tales I’ve discovered in my research as a postgraduate historian. As I listened back to one of the songs, I saw the music like a dark blanket of space, sort of black-purple. The notes of the guitar, made bright and extended by reverb, created star-like patterns all around, so I felt as if I was actually floating in the night sky. I know that must sound a bit soppy, but that’s just how it was. I had no control over it, but it was beautiful.

Synaesthesia can make things difficult for my sound engineers. I have a tendency to talk about the music the way I see it, and forget that other people don’t experience it that way. I have to stop myself from saying “aah that bit feels too blunt, I don’t like the texture of the backing vocal…” or whatever. Though luckily, most musicians, even if they aren’t synaesthetes still seem to have a good understanding of music as something more than just notes. Which is useful, because it usually takes me a while to work out how to ask for what I want in a mix in more technical terms! Like I said, I try not to be too confusing with my descriptions or requests though sometimes I’ll get confused.

One prime example occurred last week when I was asked “What do you think?” by my (extremely patient and very awesome) sound engineer after listening back to a take.

“It looks great!” I said…

Fear No Faerie Voices was recorded by Dean Stevens at BearCat Studios, Belfast, and will be available soon! Teaser album artwork by Kris Telford at Silent Canvas Media.

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40#Wet Finger Feeling

The more tired I am, the more I find synaesthetic hallucinations can get a bit much.

I’m sitting at my laptop hunting for primary sources for a presentation I’m giving soon, and my brain is a bit fried. There is a bottle of water to my left. A moment ago I took a drink (I’m getting to the good bit, honest) and set it back down again. As I was typing, I noticed a horrid, creeping sensation sweep over me,  and felt a wet finger tracing its way down my face, neck and chest. I also felt it on my tongue (where I feel a lot of synaesthetic hallucinations), and saw a blue line. It took me a second to realise it was my brain’s way of registering that a drop of water had slipped its way down the inside of the bottle (this was long after I had swallowed my gulp of water, so it wasn’t related to that sensation). I must have caught the movement with my eye, and this caused me to feel as if the water was actually on my skin. Had I been more lively and less worn-out, the effect probably wouldn’t have been so pronounced. Perhaps its my mind’s way of keeping me alert when I’m super tired. Who knows!

*Drinks more water.

*Eyes water bottle.

* Waits in dread for wet finger feeling..

39#Taste the Rainbow

The other day I saw a spectacular sunset. It made me feel a bit teary actually. I was fine until the gorgeous reds, pinks and oranges of the sky suddenly came into contact with the audio visual hallucination I was having whilst listening to a piece of music through my headphones. The song must have changed, and the new tune had these wonderful peacock colours – aquamarines, sapphires, emeralds, grape purple. As I looked at the sky both the colour schemes merged to become this dripping rainbow all around me.I could taste it in my mouth. Do you remember the ad campaign for Skittles sweets which said/says Taste the Rainbow? Well I can. And rainbow colours do taste sweet, and juicy.

(Real rainbows actually taste very different. They are a bit gritty, and can be quite flowery.)

As I was walking along, listening to the music and watching it meet the sunset in a big multicoloured wash, I felt a lump in my throat because it was one of the most beautiful hallucinations I have ever had. One of those ones which makes me think “isn’t nature perfect” and “how lucky I am to have this magnificently screwed up brain that creates these moments which only I can experience.”

I was trying to remember what song it was but I can’t seem to think of it. I’ve been going through my phone music list looking for “blue/green” songs, but can’t find it. That’s another handy thing about having synaesthesia, everything gets tagged and categorised according to colour, which makes things easier to remember.

Usually…

37#DIY Crocodile

I’ve been in home improvement hell for the last week. Only it is not my home. It is the man next door. He has been using an angle grinder continuously for days now.

The sound is like a crocodile, with big, sharp metal teeth with water dripping in between its jaws and falling like ball bearings. I’m trying to practice a presentation for a very important interview I have this week, but I’m having trouble getting the words out because the crocodile is so near my face. It’s not really menacing, more annoying. The crocodile is insistent, it wants me to pay attention. It follows me round the kitchen, whining. I can’t get away from it, because the sound is everywhere.

 

 

#35 Will O’ The Wisps

When my phone beeps it makes a green and yellow triangular sound with fuzzy, waving lines that stretch out into the air and fade. But after those edges have vanished, a white glowing blob remains. Sometimes I’ll be wandering around the house doing things, and then realise I’m being followed by those white shapes. I’ll never really remember whether my phone beeped a second ago, or ten minutes ago, or whether I’ve already answered it. The white shapes disappear eventually, but not until they have made me doubt my sanity numerous times as I repeatedly check my phone for messages that I may have in fact replied to half an hour ago.

I’ve got one hovering over my shoulder right now. “I’ve already answered you” I try to tell it. But still it hovers. I don’t really mind. It’s sort of like a friendly little spirit, a sonic will o’ the wisp.

 

 

34# I am a Magician

I walk a lot everyday, and so I sometimes get bored looking at the same sights and sounds. (To me, looking at sounds is as normal as looking at sights. That’s the wonderful thing about having my type of synaesthesia).

In order to amuse myself, I put on music, not just to listen but also to see.

Today I walked home from my brother’s house. It was dark, and cold, but there was plenty of life about the streets. The music I listened to helped me to block out the uncertain sounds and movements of drunk people outside bars, and cars flying past. Once I pass beyond the bustle the road goes quiet again, that’s when I let my mind wander. It’s better in the dark, when the cloudy, purple-black sky is more like a blank canvas.

I turn the music on my phone up loud, and then watch to see what happens when I look around, and relax. The road is now a forest. Green ivy is shooting up around the house fronts until they are almost obscured. Foxes dart in and out of the huge roots of ancient trees. Shadows that passing cars cast on walls become soaring birds, or even dragons. The road becomes a river, and the sky is now the ceiling of the forest. I watch in wonder as the entire street grows out of control, wild and enchanted; it moves according to the chords of the music.

In some ways I can control it. I’ve learned that if I just relax and let my subconscious (or whatever you want to call it) take over, then little suggestions can change neon lights into old gas lamps, or shop fronts into caves. I have no control over the colours – the sound dictates that. Things happen in front of my eyes that I have absolutely no conscious control over. They just appear and disappear and sometimes take dark turns. Sometimes there are monsters. But I know they are just figments of my imagination, created when my brain decides to make sense of the sounds I hear through visual imagery.

A friend once told me, that the way I described my synaesthetic experiences sounded a lot to him like when he took LSD, or some other hallucinogen. I suppose it must do to a “normal” brain, what mine does automatically. Only I’m lucky because I don’t feel beholden to my hallucinations. I know there are no dragons in the street. But these illusions are always there, in one form or another. Luckily for me, I never ‘come down.’

I don’t always chose to indulge in these fairy tale scenes. I have spent a lot of my adult life learning to control the hallucinations. Sometimes I need to concentrate – it’s hard to negotiate traffic when for a second I feel like I’m actually walking through water, not on tarmac, so I learn how to tone it down, or partially to block it, if I can. Usually I just hit pause on my music player. Then the street will become filled with new, more familiar and prosaic images. Harsh, bouncing geometric shapes (car horns), clouds of red and brown (smells from their exhausts), little black and white boxes (rain on the pavement).

Having synaesthesia has taught me a lot about the nature of reality. It’s shown me that the world isn’t just separated into two realms, the tangible, and the intangible, but that there are shades in between. When I was walking through the street-forest tonight (created by Sia’s Million Bullets song from her new album This Is Acting) occasionally I would brush past the branches of one of my imaginary trees, but as I brushed past I could feel it touch me. I didn’t feel it in the way a person feels a touch upon their skin, rather I saw the pattern the sensation of touch would make, were I to touch something. My mind created the pattern in anticipation of a touch that never happened.

My reality is not like other peoples. I live simultaneously in two different worlds, one real, one imaginary, both as tangible and intangible as each other. On sad days I console myself with the fact that, in my own head at least, I am a magician. I can create illusions, and dispel them, and no one would ever know, unless I told them.

32#Modern Fiction Merry-Go-Round

NB: In this post I describe types of fiction I like, and dislike. But in no way, do I suggest that one style is better than another. It’s purely a matter of personal preference.

Today whilst in Waterstones,  I may have I hit upon the answer to a puzzle that has long been perplexing me. Why do I dislike the vast majority of modern fiction? I think the answer has to do with synaesthesia.

I love reading very much. I adore books. I know a lot of people say that, and for most people, that’s true in a very broad sense. They love all kinds of books within a particular genre say, and even when a book isn’t what they might have hoped, they’ll persevere and get some kind of enjoyment out of it. This is usually only true for me of ‘old’ books, for example I’m a huge fan of Gothic horror fiction and ghost stories from the 19th to mid-20th century. Books which delight in long sentences, with thousands of commas, and a million twists and turns in every sentence. I have a real aversion to modern writing, and it’s upset me quite a bit over the years as I try, and fail to enjoy books within my favourite genres which everyone tells me I should love, but which I not only dislike, but feel a strong repulsion for.

Usually I will pick up a book, written in the last thirty years, start reading, and within a minute I begin to feel nauseous. I always hope that the feeling won’t be there, and that instead I’ll be intrigued enough to keep reading, but 9 times out of 10 that’s how I’ll feel. The colours of the words all blur into jarring pink and green acidic neons, the flow is jerky, and makes me feel like I’m on a carousel. This sensation doesn’t happen to me when I read 19th century fiction, or certain authors, particularly the classic Magic Realists such as Gabriel Garcia Marquez, or Italo Calvino, and so I love their work.

Today, as I picked up a modern fiction book and experienced the familiar neon nausea, I had a revelation. I think it has to do with how modern authors construct sentences that play havoc with my synaesthetic cross-over of words with colours, patterns and tastes. What I’m talking about, is the modern vogue (especially in horror, science fiction, and some fantasy) for short, punchy sentences such as the (albeit badly written) one below which I’ve just composed off the top of my head.

“The corridor was sickly, sweat-laden. Staggering forward, Brown headed for the door. He brushed his forehead. The heat was too much, even for him.”

Granted this is a really corny sentence, but this type of staccato writing is quite common nowadays. Reading this sentence back, I feel queasy. As I read it, I hear the sound of the words in my head and they create patterns. The jilted flow sends pointed yellow edges flying round my field of vision, and the last line makes me feel as if I’ve landed hard on my feet – it’s jarring. To re-write this in a way which soothes me, I would do this:

“Brown staggered down the corridor which smelled sickly-sweet. Sweat accumulated on the walls he lunged past, and on his forehead, which he wiped nervously on his way to the door. Even though he was well accustomed to the compound’s rancid humidity, still he wretched and longed to feel fresh air on his face again”

My re-written version would probably be seen as being too cumbersome by modern standards. The second  version adds only a little more detail to the story, but uses a lot more words which, I suppose, an editor would balk at. Also it perhaps hinders the feeling of immediacy; the jerky flow of the first version mirrors Brown’s stumbling down the corridor. The second version is more sedate. But I prefer it, because it looks, and tastes better. It has an undulating rhythm which creates lovely rolling waves or hills of gentle blue and green in my mind. The phrase ends wistfully, with less drama. Now, I have no problem with dramatic phrase conclusion, but I liked to be walked into them, not dropped, headlong.

Also, it’s not necessarily always the length of the sentence that upsets me. Short sentences can be okay, as long as they flow on from one another in a lilting way, like so:

“Brown paced. The corridor stretched out like a snake. Winding this way and that it turned uncertainly. He wiped his eyes. The corridor re-aligned itself as if it had always been so.”

This looks fine to me, even though the sentences are very abrupt, because it has a calm, logical flow to it (as least to me). It all tastes the same. It has a minty flavour – the words are sharp and insistent, and (I think) still contain uneasyness without being overly dramatic or cliché. It might be that the combination of short sentences without alliteration, and without obvious drama, makes me feel less queasy. Those techniques, whilst very effective, unsettle me too much.

In my academic writing I have a bad tendency to write overly long sentences with far too many points packed into them, and too much punctuation. I’m trying to streamline my writing to make it more concise. I think perhaps this desire to write such cumbersome sentences has at least some basis in my synaesthesia. When writing, as well as reading, I want a lazy cruise down the river, not a helter-skelter. I do realise however, that I’m unusual in this. I see the obvious merit in highly-acclaimed authors like Stephen King for example, but I can’t read his novels because I find his sentence construction too brutal. For me, the most horrifying thing about The Shining, was his syntax. Again, he’s a best selling author, I get why people love him, but I can no more enjoy King, than I can eat mushroom soup which looks and smells to me like death in a bowl.

Incidents like this remind me that synaesthesia plays a massive role in my life in a variety of ways which I’m not always aware of. I like my favourite foods, and smells and books, and music primarily because they agree with my synaesthesia – they create soothing patterns, sounds, tastes or colours. The opposite is also true. Perhaps if I woke up tomorrow without synaesthesia I’d suddenly be able to appreciate more modern fiction, not to mention a thousand other things I’m picky about.

But I would never, ever, wish that upon myself.

 

 

31#Fireworks

 

Today I saw a blog post that made me a bit annoyed, because it said that synaesthesia was”a neurological malady that makes senses meant for one part of the brain be understood by another part.”

This is misleading in several ways. Firstly,this might imply that synaesthetes get one sensory response instead of another. This isn’t the case. It could more accurately say “…that makes senses meant for one part of the brain be understood not just by that part, but by one or more others.” When I hear music, I hear it. But I also see it, sometimes I can touch it, or taste it. (I don’t think I’ve ever smelled it though. That would be interesting.)

Secondly, synaesthesia might be considered a disease according to certain medical criteria, but I think it’s an insensitive label to use, considering how the word ‘disease’ is usually thought about socially. Disease implies “abnormality” something which is not “normal” but in an uncomfortable way. Plague victims are diseased; they don’t want to be (at least I can’t see why one would). Disease implies negative connotations. Synaesthesia is so much more than an abnormality of the brain, it can be a gift. Sometimes it feels like a superpower. When my hearing is impaired because of water in my ears, or a sinus cold, I use my synaesthesia to pick up on images created by vibrations from sound, or perceptions such as “I know this heater has just come on because the air near the wall just changed colour.” Similarly, I can tell my when my friends’ moods change quickly, because I watch it happen in front of my eyes. Again, the air around them changes colour. It’s not an exact science, or at least I haven’t done my own tests on it (yet) but I fail to see how these extra helpful little pointers could be considered a “disease.”

Yes it makes life difficult, overwhelming, and stressful sometimes. It does have negative sides, but the positives, far outweigh those downsides for me.

Yesterday I was feeling completely at my wits end. I was walking along the road and I felt myself start to cry. I tried to hold it in as much as I could, but this made me panic, and I became worried that I’d have an anxiety attack. Just then a song came on my iPod and some of the sounds in the song created a firework effect right above my head. I stopped to watch it. I knew it was only a synaesthetic hallucination, but it was amazing. I can’t even remember what the song was now, but I can still remember the fireworks bursting over the roundabout. For a moment I forgot why I was sad and just enjoyed it. That’s when I thought, how many people are as lucky as am I?

The article which I quoted above was a review for a synaesthesia app which creates visuals to accompany music, imitating what chromesthesia does (a form of synaesthesia which sees music as colours/patterns). In fairness to the author, they did say of the condition that it: “could be the only medical condition music fans might want to suffer from.”

Still…

Who’s suffering?

 

30# A Font of One’s Own

The other day a dear friend of mine asked me an interesting question.
She has heard me talk about how, as a synaesthete, I see spoken words. What Edelle wanted to know was, did I have my own personal font?

I realised I had never thought about it. It was only today when I was sitting in a busy coffeeshop while a little girl kept shouting I LOVE TOAST, that I actually paid attention to what the words looked like. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered my own personal font is basically, Arial.

Although saying that, it’s like Arial only 3-dimensional. It has shadows, shading and texture. Some words are coloured in, some go by too fast to really spot their colour. But all appear in the same, very plain font. Perhaps I should count my blessings, and just be grateful that every word I see isn’t in Comic Sans…

29# The Colour of Darkness

I love the dark. My ideal conditions for sleep are womb-like, or perhaps even more sensory deprived than that, as I prefer silence and pitch blackness. I think this has a lot to do with the visual hallucinations I experience when I hear sounds. Even the soothing low hum of my fridge can keep me awake because it creates an undulating landscape of grey, brown, and white wavy lines in my mind’s eye that is as persistent and impossible to ignore as when you get an ‘ear worm.’ (a pop. culture term for getting an song stuck in your head).

I’ll be jolted awake in the middle of the night with an image of a sound in my head, but have no idea if the sound happened, or if I just imagined the pattern. So I might think in my half-awake daze “was that glass breaking real, or is this yellow spikey speech bubble which has left its imprint on my mind, just part of a dream?”

Smells can keep me awake too, for the same reasons, but if they are soothing smells which look pretty, then they can calm me and surround me in lovely, coloured mists. Lavender, depending on whether it is real (green tinted) or synthetic (lilac or blue tinted), can produce a very pleasing cloud which envelops me in colour and helps me sleep.

Otherwise I prefer good old fashioned darkness. I love the weight that darkness has, that lovely, rich, velvety brown, russet, blue, black, purple fabric which presses down on me as I settle to sleep. Decent, near total darkness has a way of enveloping you completely and sinking into all the crevices. I find its weight very reassuring, though I know a lot of people find it claustrophobic. Of course, it’s impossible to get a totally sound proof environment to sleep in, so ‘silence’ always contains a background static. Visually, it reminds me of the map of the Cosmic Microwave Background, only in monotone colours.